Should Have Been Singles

How often do you buy an album and hear the potential for great singles, only to be disappointed when the artist decides to release some craptastic song from the album? Furthermore, how much do you hate it when that single flops and you can't help thinking that you should pick the singles for that artist? Well, we hate it too. A lot. Therefore, we're going to attempt to overcome our bitterness by publicly declaring which singles certain artists should have released and why. There will be some current examples, so any musicians that stumble across this blog should pass the word on because we're right and they're wrong. Trust us.

Artist: Ms. Diva herself, Mariah Carey.

What she picked: Bye Bye.

Mariah had some pretty good success with her single, Touch My Body from her album E=MC^2. Then she decided to release the snooze-fest known as Bye Bye. Sure, the message is touching. We'll never forget dead people. However, she needs to know that she'll never be able to recapture the success of One Sweet Day, which dealt with pretty much the same subject (j says: Plus that one had a key change. Get your head in the game Mimi!). I do think she manages to open up a little bit when she sings about her father

never being able to see her newfound success, but that brief moment of realism doesn't do enough to save a bland single. (j says: ya, singing about your dad missing you rack up your 18th number one single - real human. who doesn't know what THAT feels like?) Furthermore, Wikipedia says that her next single will be I'm That Chick. Now, I think this is a step in the right direction, but she could do a lot better. (j says: wikipedia is now endorsing I'll Be Lovin U Long Time, but I don't think that affects your point one bit) Side note: The "acting" in her video is pretty hilarious.

What she should have picked: Side Effects, all the way.

This song opens up about her destructive relationship with Tommy Malotta and has a killer beat. The chorus is catchy and although the subject matter is a little dark, it seems tonally fit to be a great summer jam. (j says: I totally agree with this one. There is NOTHING i like better than a pissed-off woman done wrong song. Emotional abuse leads to aural pleasure!) Now, if Mariah is trying to recapture the greatness of We Belong Together with Bye Bye, a better ballad would be I Stay in Love. The chorus is stronger and the subject matter is more accessible on the pop radio. (Because let's face it. Very rarely do songs about people dying do well on the Hot 100 charts) Either way these songs are better than Bye Bye in almost every way and they're better choices than I'm That Chick for her next single. Sadly, we'll probably be forced to watch Mariah struggle on the charts until she gets it right. Also, I think she would be well suited to do some promotion that doesn't involve halfhearted lipsynching in Japan. Just a thought. (J says: Other tips for successful album promotion: wearing a dress that actually COVERS one's vagina, and not marrying a twelve year old Nickelodeon star.)

Artist: Christina Aguilera.

What she picked: Hurt.

Remember that time I said that songs about death rarely do well? Well, it looks like somebody didn't listen. Ain't No Other Man was a fantastic lead single from her album, Back to Basics, but then she literally stabbed her momentum in the face by releasing Hurt. Don't get me wrong. I think Hurt is a beautiful and powerful song, but it is NOT a radio-friendly song. Apparently, her label wanted her to have another Beautiful moment during the holiday season. Let's see. What would people rather hear during the holidays? A moving, well written ode to everyone having value or a song about someone dying and not being able to say goodbye? (j says: personally all I wanna listen to during the holiday's is Mariah's All I Want for Christmas Is You, so either way Xtina loses.) I'll be fair. Allegedly Christina's record company forced the single, so it's not entirely Aguilera's fault.

What she should have picked: Slow Down Baby.

I still think Slow Down Baby would have kept her momentum going. She never released the single in the United States, and when she released Slow Down Baby internationally she didn't really promote it very much. Sadly, that sort of killed the song. I think people could argue that the song was too similar to Ain't No Other Man, but I don't think it would have halted Back to Basic's forward thrust like Hurt did. Just listen to the catchy intro and amazing chorus and you'll see why this song would have probably gone to the top of the charts. PS the YouTube video I picked for this song has some ridiculous pictures of Ms. Aguilera. (j says: maybe her label worried about the believability of an Xtina song about NOT being a ho?)

Artist: Leona Lewis

What she picked: Forgive Me.

What she picked? More like what the fuck. This song isn't that catchy and it's a mediocre follow-up to her smash hit, Bleeding Love. The tune is about Leona being unsatisfied by her current man so she's scrounging for another guy, which is such a feel-good message. This song is slated for a summer 2008 release, but I keep praying that she'll change her mind. Part of me blames

Rihanna for this injustice, which will be explained in the next section. Leona, I know your album doesn't have that many strong singles, but surely you could have done better than this. This harsh reality may come as a bit of a shock, but you'll have to forgive me. (j says: oo, I see what you did there. tarty!)

What she should have picked: Take a Bow.

Holy God this song is good. The reason I blame Rihanna for sticking us with Forgive Me is that I have a crazy theory that the powers behind Leona's album didn't think it would be wise to have two singles with the same name on the charts at the same time. (j says: Is there anything Rihanna isn't to blame for? Global warming wasn't even that big of an issue before she became popular. I'm just saying...) I don't know why they were worried, because Rihanna's Take a Bow is inferior to Leona's in every way. Granted, it hit numero uno on the Hot 100, but only because her label manipulated the public and withheld iTunes downloads until the last minute. Anyways, I digress. Leona's version contains the same subject as Rihanna's tune, but it's presented in a much more appealing manner. The sad thing is, if the name were truly a concern, Leona's label could have released Better in Time as an alternative to Forgive Me, and in time we would be so much better off.

Artist: Whitney "Crack is for poor people" Houston

What she picked: Whatchulookinat

This song is crazy. Literally. Just watch the intro to the music video.

What she should have picked: A time machine, so she could go back in time and prevent her album, Just Whitney, from ever occurring. (j says: I personally would've gone with full head transplant, as I'm pretty sure Whitney would just see a time machine as a fancy way to smuggle drugs.)

Artist: Rihanna

What she picked: Take a Bow/Disturbia.

Ok, by this point you already know my feelings on Rihanna's Take a Bow. Her follow-up single, Disturbia is decent, but I'm pissed because of what should have been. See below for more details.

What she should have picked: Breakin' Dishes.

Very rarely do artists have a song on an album that is so instantly likable and brilliant that people recognize it without it ever having been released as a single. (j says: WOMAN DONE WRONG ALERT. I'm telling you, the angrier they are, the better the beats!) Breakin' Dishes is one such song. I think my point here isn't that I'm upset that she's releasing Disturbia. I'm more upset that SHE REFUSES TO RELEASE BREAKIN' DISHES. WHY?!? Furthermore, she keeps saying that this is her next single. Literally, this has been her alleged fourth, fifth, and sixth single only to be replaced by different songs each time. Thanks a lot Don't Stop the Music, Take a Bow, and Disturbia (in all fairness, Don't Stop the Music was a good choice on her part). Will this song ever be released? It's the perfect summer jam and she'll have a guaranteed hit with it. I feel more confident about this song's hit potential than any other song on this list. Please just release Breakin' Dishes already. Also, please let me know if you know the girl that Rihanna is groping in this picture.

Well there you have it (for now). As other artists make bone-head decisions, I'm sure I'll do future posts that highlight what they should have done.

What do you all think? What other songs should have been singles?

I await your opinions!

-C

J says: we're so frickin smart it's a travesty we're not the one's in power. I mean we SO knew Britney's Break the Ice would be massive and look how that turned out. Err, on second thought..

C says: I feel like we get a little leeway from the fact that Britney has never performed this song nor has she promoted it in any way.  I think the animated music video was a sign that this single was doomed to fail, no matter how great it is.  When you don't even care enough to put on pants and lip-sync a song, you're writing that song's epitaph.